thinking thing’s through today.. taking time to look at what i want… at what i need….
i NEED my independance
i WANT my legs and finger function..
i’m not getting anywhere sitting around thinking – i NEED to be doing something about it.. unfortunately… but at the same time thankfully… i want to give up.. but i just can’t – sitting here thinking typing…. driving me mad! un-able to move, i can’t do anything myself – i NEED someone to love to share my life with.. i WANT my “someone” (as with everyone) i wont find that someone until i can love myself first… i WONT… I CAN’T love myself like this… i NEED to have independence – i have to accept who i am – WHAT i am… but i don’t! with “who” i am – i WONT accept this…
everyone has issues.. everyone has problems… most can be resolved, some can be hidden or “brushed away” mine are in your face.. there all out there – i broke my neck and along with it went my heart! i CAN’T live like this.. i WONT! this is what fuels my fire, this is what drives me on… everyone try’s to create there own life… to be free – i’m trapped in this “open prison” (that they call SCI). at
present there is no cure for my injury, who knows if there ever will… people say “we’re close” “we’re knocking on the door”.
i am “classed as quadriplegic” but have pushed myself holding on to the smallest thread of hope.. that one day i may be independent.. that things may improve… tomorrow i will get back on my bike, i’ll do another 18 miles, maintaining my blood circulation, bone density and muscle mass, keeping my legs in “working order” just in-case! in-case things improve with medical science.. with their research.. until then i have to.. i NEED to carry on
i already have pressed those medical boundaries further and beyond what “they” say is possible.. what can be achieved.. this is what i hang onto, i am my own inspiration i keep me going… read my story, see where i’ve come from
WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL BE
I wouldn’t call it giving up if you were to reach some kind of acceptance of your life as it is. It seems like a real waste to want what is quite likely not possible. Your physical challenges don’t have to get in the way of you finding love for yourself and love with someone else. The more at peace you are and confident you are, the more likely you will draw someone special to you. Why not love yourself exactly as you are?
Comment by Ruth on August 18, 2011
Things change in life, I do need someone…. Everybody does! But for now I’m still going to go for the “possibly impossible” and just see what happens I won’t give up my little fight xxxx
Comment by alex on August 19, 2011
Good luck with it, I do wish you the best. Just don’t let yourself get bitter about things that aren’t changeable when you could focus on what you can! I had an ex who just threw his life away on bitterness and it was very difficult to watch. Take care!
Comment by Ruth on August 19, 2011
Thank you, but that is one thing I’m not “bitter”.. I’d like my independence and I’m going to continue fighting for that… And while I’m at it I might try for walking to, I’ve cried four times now since (one not about paralysis) I need a focus in my life and have chosen this… Plus not much else to do at the mo… This blog goes back four years now, read it and you’ll see I have bad days but the drive to push on carries me through them, it started as a log of my progress.. But now it’s everything inbetween to, I’d rather a few things in my life had not happened.. But they have I can’t change that… But I can put my energy into improving my situation now – hope you find what your looking for in life x
Comment by alex on August 19, 2011