Thoughts, fears and frustration trapped in a body broken over ten years, a small insight to how my mind deals with paralysis. 

The devil inside. 

Your life is your own and yours alone… the choices we make, the risks we take all lead to the consequence’s we face… we can be the devil within ourselves.. we create, live and loth the life we make.. it then by our own making becomes our very own hell! Trapped in a cycle only we individually can change, some things set.. some things like fluid will flow, those are ours to mould.. to make.. life is suffering, death is eternal peace.. even so we continue each day, only the strong go on.. we only live for a blink of an eye in respect to the true time line that is life, it’s up to you.. yourself to make the change, to take that step… a leap of faith…. but faith only in ones self can make the devil inside turn and smile, only you can create joy and bring love through the pain that is life and what we build for ourselves, for we create life, we live life…. all we truly have inside our selves is what we make – for you are the devil inside yourself!

I’m trapped in my body broken… by my very own mistake… although broken in this, the prison of paralysis, my mind is free to wonder, free to make things betteresae… but true to life my mind is free to torture me with the words “what if” “why me”…. if only for a brief moment in time… your choice’s that you choose – you live the consequence, what you do defines the the road ahead, for this is yours alone to take.

Make a difference… for you are the one living the life you have.

Frustration is my life, staying positive in a life of frustration… You tell me how? In nine years I’ve achieved so much, I still breathe I’m still here! I live by what has happened through these years, although things don’t look good just now, last year… Earlier this year they didn’t either… But at 14:18 hrs on December 14th 2006 and the following few weeks the fight to survive, my fight for my life didn’t look good either, I survived that, I’m still here! I don’t know why but I am here, and for that reason alone I continue, thanks to those around this year I regained my freedom.. Tonight, tomorrow or maybe the day after I may find why I am living through paralysis…? But for now my life is paralysis, I survived so I continue!

Life is… Who you are, not just what you do each day.. But the feeling inside, beneath what you see, through your eyes.. It’s the door way to what you are.. All that you will be, it’s inside you, it’s life.. You let it out or keep it within… What ever you decide…. It’s your life!
my life… Just broke and led me home… Although I survived all that I have, im still to actually achieve what’s ment to be, what that is… No-one knows, just need to do it.. because each day you don’t, is another slipped away, you don’t get time back…. A second wasted… A life time waiting for something…. Something that only you can do but may never happen..
 
new life, old life…. My life
 
paralysis, inches.. Centimetres.. Millimetres away from what you want or need… No matter how much you want it, it will never come! Paralysis is a bitch.
 
frustration beyond anything you can imagine- that’s my life every day… Round and round in my mind..
 
maintaining what I have, holding onto the hope of what might be… Wasting time that will never be again.
 
paralysis you fuck

Hope

Everybody needs it, without it… why wake up the next day.. why continue.. I have hope.. Hope for what could be.. What might be.. I haven’t moved on from what happened to me, I don’t think you ever could.. The day “I stopped moving”… That moment in time will stay with me forever.. But instead of “what if” or “what could have been”
It’s “what might be”
It’s “what could be”
It’s ME! 
From where I was, to who I am now….
“Time waits for no man”
As time slips away each day, somehow life continues.. I continue.. Continue on to a future unknown!
My body stuck, my mind free… Free in a body broken, holding on to the hope of something, hold onto your heart strings people.. They are the pathway to your soul.. The energy inside yourself…it’s where you store that hope.

Hope is all we have, lose it and we lose ourselves.

Beauty is fleeting.. Like a rose on a fence sitting in a wind tunnel that is life, it comes from the earth to blossom through a branch of thorns, the beauty within is undeniable, even with all the effort put into getting it there, the wind blows.. The petals fall and the flower loses itself from the outside in..

A puppy..
Lives and loves and holds no grudge, he lives a short life and leaves, but in that life leaves a life full of love, any life lost leaves a hole but all the suffering in life is worth that time spent loving… That moment of beauty held in your heart forever, life is worth living because it’s only through all the pain that you finally see the true beauty that life hides.. Suffer a life time for a moment of love, that moment is then yours forever.

Where there’s life there’s hope, and if the slightest glimmer of hope… There’s still life to live, be that my life or yours, hope beyond any possibility as any hope…. All hope is life and every life is built around hope, without it we are nothing, with it we can be anything, do anything.

Everyday I continue with the pain that is life…. Why and to what end who knows?? Up and down each day the same.. No end to a never ending cycle of pain, even through all this, each day i wake and continue.. Death is peace.. A long life lived through all the pain and suffering, loneliness and heart ache brought on by everyday, why live for the pain??? It’s because we are built this way, we are built.. each and everyone, we survive through hope, never satisfied with the here and now… Although bad.. It is what drives to survive, remember the good times, each one will fade through time… A cycle between the pain but once through each one there is joy, love and understanding, living through the bad times makes the good times better.
A teaspoon of ice cream is better than a bucket! A taste and you crave more, gives you a drive for more, you get a bucket and you feel sick, a little goodness though a day of pain, it is why we keep going, each day feeling the devil behind you.. Stand strong, do not run, for the day you can turn around and stare him down is the day you win, live for the pain, learn to love life for each little indifference, bring on the pain because once you live it each day not even the devil can make you down.
Make each day your own, own your life… You are the one living it!
Be all that you are ment to be, you never know when it is your turn to stand strong and stare the devil down, turn your back and find your heaven, golden gates to a life you dream
Talk hard! Stay strong, be yourself.. Nobody else can.

our dna defines us, our life confines us, our freedom… anything our minds can imagine… I’m a prisoner in my own mind, my body trapped by paralysis, my mind given time to think… it can be a dangerous thing, chasing your thoughts 24hrs a day, a strong mind is needed to channel those thoughts down the right route for a life to live, one nearly lost, but brought back from the brink to live again… Life is pain, death is peace, but your dead a long time, you only live once, make it worth something.

Today

a day like any other, good bad or indifferent… It’s another day given to you to live as you wish, turn your bad luck around, push those boundaries… If you hit a wall, take a step back, sit and recoup, stand yourself up and try again, life doesn’t just happen, you need to make things happen… If it doesn’t work push push push again..
 
life finds a way..
A day like today, will never be again, waste it if you wish but there will be no other… There will be another but not that day.. It’s gone forever.
“you’ll never be this young again”

Hope is the structure of which all life is built, without it we are nothing… With it.. We can do anything, BE anything.

Be who you are, or who you are means nothing….

Where there’s life, there’s always a way, you choose to take that life, you take that chance away, at one point there was only a 5%chance of me living… Although brought back to life.. I’m yet to start living, there is a big difference between living and just “being” for 9 years I’ve been a “human being” I need to be a “human living” – to truly live a life nearly taken!
Money has stopped my recovery, I just sit watching what’s left waste away… I take a “vitamin supplement” but that’s about it… Spending my day waiting for the next to come….
I was once told I had magic hands… Now that magic fades.. I’m still me.. But me stuck inside my body broken waiting on a miracle.. 
A miracle that may never come, I’m still here, I’m still me… Just not the me that I’m ment to be..
I AM more than this… I WILL be more than this..
I just need to rescue what is left of me and mold it into what I want me to be!

Tic toc
Walking through the corridors of life, breathing every breath that I take, the walls around me… The body surrounding me.

To what end??

I survived such a big thing that kills most, pulled through one of the worst things that can happen to a person, not only effecting me but changed life for many of those around me…
9 years!

Not being able to do anything..
Waiting for something that may never come, a life saved to live like this.. Each day just trying to maintain my sanity, dreaming about a life I would have lived… Stuck in a body broken – my heart broken, looking out at the world each day a prisoner in my on body
Through this I still continue.. I don’t know how..

Thinking about… waiting for… Saving for.. Living for tomorrow 
Today is yesterday’s tomorrow, what are you doing more than yesterday
Yesterday’s dreams being achieved today
Nope!

To breathe a breath of freedom, trapped in my own world of paralysis, reflecting each day on those that have past… Waiting for what may never be – my world
A lost life being lived…. To what end?

Frustration is my life, staying positive in a life of frustration… You tell me how? In nine years I’ve achieved so much, I still breathe I’m still here! I live by what has happened through these years, although things don’t look good just now, last year… Earlier this year they didn’t either… But at 14:18 hrs on December 14th 2006 and the following few weeks the fight to survive, my fight for my life didn’t look good either, I survived that, I’m still here! I don’t know why but I am, and for that reason alone I continue, thanks to those around this year a regained my freedom.. Tonight, tomorrow or maybe the day after I may find why I am living through paralysis…? But for now my life is paralysis, I survived so I continue!

Hope

Everybody needs it, without it… why wake up the next day.. why continue.. I have hope.. Hope for what could be.. What might be.. I haven’t moved on from what happened to me, I don’t think you ever could.. The day “I stopped moving”… That moment in time will stay with me forever.. But instead of “what if” or “what could have been”
It’s “what might be”
It’s “what could be”
It’s ME! 

From where I was, to who I am now….
“Time waits for no man”
As time slips away each day, somehow life continues.. I continue.. Continue on to a future unknown!

My body stuck, my mind free… Free in a body broken, holding on to the hope of something, hold onto your heart strings people.. They are the pathway to your soul.. The energy inside yourself…it’s where you store that hope!

Hope is all we have, lose it and we lose ourselves.

Never underestimate the true value of your health and independence.

Follow me…
into my world, what I see, all that is around me…. It’s my world, my time here ticks away, once I was nearly taken.. But today.. Maybe tomorrow I’m still here, to what end I do not know.. But they didn’t take me that day, so for that reason I’m still here, I’m still to find out why? Why here, why me? What for? Right now, I’m just…….

Me

An empty space yet to fill, a day to complete everything I ever wanted to do, your last day is so precious to you… So why not this one?? Today I’m stuck being charged.. Running a charge into another set of dead batteries.. Inanimate objects dictating my every day… Without these I’d be in bed… Money turns the world.. Money creates my world… As I sit here in a broken chair, reliant on everyone for everything.. wasting the air that I breathe! Everybody needs purpose in there lives until the last breath is taken from you… These day are wasted, unless you act on your dreams they fade away with each day! 
As I watch spring turn to summer…. Then those melt away only to bring more hurt and heart ache.. Dream your dreams.. Do what needs to be done, know one knows what’s next…

Life

Every day I get beaten down, life kicks me hard.. Hurts me in so many ways.. But still through the pain and frustration… Some how I’m still here! I get beaten down to see if I get back up.. Pain is only telling you you’re still alive… It’s my life still to live! Frustration equals patience… Through all the hurt you learn to appreciate the quiet times, the calm after the rain.. Only to find out your sitting in the eye of the storm, hold tight, breathe and continue.

Pressure 
The pain.. The problems I face…
To live another day, each day drives me.. Thinking of a future…… A future untold
My mind full.. Full of energy, impulses.. The signals created with no where to go
Still each morning I wake thinking of my future I’m yet to make, yesterday I was Alexander Thomas Smith.. Die now and my life is wasted…. I need to continue to be that man my mind has made
Today, tomorrow, I am alexwillwalkagain
Eight years in my body broken.. My mind stays strong.(I’m ready to be unbroken now tho)
One chance at life.. One way ahead, I won’t change the man that I am, but my life can not break me, my life is all that I am.

My mind more powerful than my body ever was (still trying to move a broken body)

Springs here and the lady bugs are out!

Holding on
Everyday slips away… Everyday I hold onto what once was, frustrated thinking about what could be, what might be… What should be. 
Pain is an interesting thing… I take it, I live it… It becomes what drives me each day, give up.. Give in.. Take sedation be nice and relaxed tuck up in bed away from all the pain…..
No nope not me, the pain and frustration stays with me each day all day, every second I feel pain and aches through my body.. They stay.. Take them from me only to be a zombie! Living breathing but unable to do anything… Or take the pain and live the frustration only to live another day waiting for what might never be
Frustration through the day today, waiting for my catherdar to be changed… Just a different type of pain.

I give up now with nothing going for me… Slowly going backward, losing hope everyday looking down.. Everyday the same never anything good coming my way…..
Everyday things looking down.. Saying nothing can get worse, then haemorrhoids! Nothing can be worse… Then kidney stone! I don’t have battery power to walk Dexter.. More pain and discomfort destroying me each day
Another way to look at it……
BRING ON THE PAIN!

You haven’t broken me yet,(Although my bodies broken, my soul still shines), everyday new things to deal with, although death has come for me.. I’m still here.

I lost my bed, along with it my last “comfort zone”… I dropped slide board transfers and very rarely did standing, I maintained “skeleton exercise” (my fes bike), I gained weight and lost enthusiasm to do anything, not seeing where I was going..
“I should give up” “I should give in” “why don’t you use antidepressants?” 

Among a million other thoughts every second of the day.. And thru the night, nothing to do no where to go, all avenues used up, unable to do anything!
But then..

A trip to stokemandaville hospital, 3hrs strapped uncomfortably in the back of a transit van bumping along on my hemeroids only to be told I have a kidney stone! Yes everyday can get even worse.

“This is you now, go home and get on with it” “he’s just going to have to learn to deal with the pain” 
I was told that (and over heard it to).

Yesterday, the same guy…. Who said this while testing my reflexes in my knees to find nothing ->
(Written on my back (in tattoo) “everything comes from nothing” – Stephen Hawkins.)

I now eight years on have perfect reflexes back again! This along with many other things i have achieved, although no money/job/love in my life… I have the knowledge that through everything I still have not been broken!
My plan this year, to spend it getting fit, do more exercise, bring back the slide board transfers, stand and do my bike.

Yesterday if “negative’s” can turn their view around, I think I can listen to them for once in eight years
Continue and don’t give up!

In everything you do, nobody knows! 

I’m not going to let the function that I have regained slip away, for every breath I take I will continue!
Where I have been, I cannot return… The future.. Our future.. My future is yet to be written, don’t write yourself off!

It’s not over….
I’m not over!
Another day ahead pressing on into a day unknown, chasing function that may be gone.. A life once lived, that of which “I could have been”
You need to build on “who you are now” “who you want to be”
Never forget the past, where you’ve been, who you were, what you see now……

Hit rock bottom!

At some stage in all our lives we feel “we hit rock bottom”…. At every point in life, no matter how low, there is always a light on somewhere.. Even if it’s not quite pointing your way, when there’s nothing else dig a little hole! There’s always another option
Everything was looking down for me.. I couldn’t take any more… I broke down, had no other options….. “Nothing could get worse”, then the following morning my catherdar tube came apart in the night and I woke up in a bed full of urine! iPad and tv remote swimming.. This set the day on a down as you can imagine! After the cold of the short January day and in bed by 5pm! (In a bed without comfort, hyper sensation removing any bed mobility), Going on into the evening thinking “what’s next” “nothing can be worse””can’t take any more” then my catherdar blocks for the third time that month – extreme pain and autonomic disryflexia (danger of death) – all this on top of the fact I can’t move!

Today is another day.. I’m not dead, so I feel I need to do something with it! 

Spring is on its way! So when your feeling down, you can smile and think of me knowing “life isn’t that bad”

I drowned.. I survived.
I broke my neck.. I survived.
My heart stopped six times.. I still live.
My lungs gave up.. I still breathe.
Life goes on, inside and around me.. Even if surviving is all I do.
To function in life, we all need purpose…
Is surviving different to living life? I think so..

Pain is an ice cube…. Visualise it as this, focus on it.. Watch it melt away to minimise the physical state of pain… Relief in the mind reduces physical pain, allowing yourself time to think how to resolve the rest of it.

Without time, we do not exist… I’ve learnt time, I live time.. I’ve learnt patience, I am patience, we are energy, signals shot from one neuron to another.. I live only through pathways built inside me, I am governed by the routes they take, they are blocked! Be everything you are, be all can be, push those limits, open that door to everything inside you. The one truth in life… You are who you are, nothing.. No one can change that, although pathways blocked today.. They can be rebuilt tomorrow, for now my body is being maintained by functional electrical stimulation directly into my muscles via my bike, this bypasses the blockage in my neck.

Open up your mind to the world around you, open the door to who you are, break down everything, only to be built back up.. I am broken…. I will be rebuilt!

Today my teeth.. Tomorrow who knows..

Before breaking my neck (roughly 8 weeks prior) I was putting in 160 trees, all needing wooden stakes… I was hitting them in with a post rammer, I hit one too hard bouncing the tool up.. Still pulling it down.. Brought it straight down on my head, splitting it open (3cm’s needing gluing back together), the resulting force made my bottom jaw hit the top knocking out my front tooth! (8 1/2 yrs ago) I had a temporary bridge fitted for 5 1/2 months.. I went away to work (oct – feb) to return home to get the finished work done, this all changed dec 14th when I broke my neck… So today’s the day I get the rest of the dental work done 8 1/2 yrs later.

If you don’t except one day you will die… You may never actually live, we all break.. Not all of us can be fixed!

Be true to yourself, you are the one living as you are, from waking each morning to laying your head in the evening, what you do.. Who you truly are is up to you, to change, build, evolve or adapt… You won’t achieve anything until you break all that you are today right down. I may never be all that I want to be…. 
But I can try.

“Everything came from nothing” (Stephen Hawkins)

“It can take a life time to come to terms with some things…”
(TV advert)

1.2.3.4.5.6…
Breathe!
Believe in who you want to be, adapt, evolve and continue! 
I am nothing, own nothing, can’t do anything….
(Truth and reality)
I can be anything as everything comes from nothing, it’s just depressing and soul destroying starting over always.. But unlike others looking in job centres or avoiding them in a lot of cases, I start from being unable to role/move or get out of bed, unable to sit up correctly in a profiling bed (hinging at my ribs instead of waist).Two days in from being kicked square in the balls yet again, thru shear frustration and a little thought process (from hours uncomfortably awake) I can now sit up/pull myself up (using a rope ladder, bed mechanisum and side bars), even though being knocked back I bounce back quick – I don’t bounce in the literal sense… I still hit the floor like a sack of $#|+…
Even my plants were all dying, but clearing out the dead ones found that four mango trees and my pineapple are growing.
There has to be some reason that I didn’t die that day, a lot of people worked hard to bring me back so.. Right now today I feel happy with basic bed mobility and another blank slate to try
Lose everything, have nothing and regain a lust for living..

Imagine 

Belief in the seemingly impossible…
My mind is struggling to deal with being forced backwards at every turn, I am finding things difficult right now (this whole year..), you get to a “fuck walking I just want my independence stage…..”
I don’t know how to say that politely..
I haven’t done my bike… Or much else productive these past few weeks, frustration is my best friend now, when do you get to that part of the day when everything is going wrong, then you think.. “I know I feel like being strapped onto a machine and electrocuted for two hours!?” (My bike)
The night before last was like being brought back 7 years.. Unable to do…. Anything, last night I slept like the dead! (A good night)
My bed designed and given to elderly and infirm, paralysed and bed ridden….? I looked at it this morning once HOISTING out (slide board transfers (out), not possible – due to design.. My body bends at the hip…? As I’m sure every other human on this planet! Why then does my bed hinge at the point of my ribs?? Pushing me down every time is it up, with no way of being able to push myself up??
This takes out most bed mobility.. Then the side (baby bars) get taken down to “get out of bed” (hoist/slide/or fall!!) I need these to hook my gimpy arms thru?? To turn alone is impossible being paralysed from the nipples down! I utilise what I have to do what I need!
Achieving a lot “making the impossible possible” over these past few years waiting for everything EVERYTHING! And saying thank you for everything all day long for everything all the time.. Even down to inserting suppositories and then proceeding to “stimulate” my bowel (“digital stimulation”), the first time I cried was in Miami.. Transferring from ICU after two days into rehab, I knew things 
were serious (being paralysed), I just thought.. 4/6 months.. Maybe a year then back to work.. Back to my life… Nope – a video on bowel management and “this is you now” – it’s what I go through… So if your reading this… Your interested…. (Sorry) – a finger in your butt then thanking the person!? Before that would result in fighting talk! (Polite version)
All summer I’ve been without my boma chair due to the most expensive part breaking.. At a cost of £240…. The complete chair costing a little over £10,000….!!!!!!!!! Those two parts, a seat and four wheels attached to a frame??? How do you get to 10,000!!! (The cushion is £375 extra – that isn’t even the expensive one!(a j2 cushion).
All my stuff is extremely over priced.. It’s not one off buys either! I’m not getting up and about anytime soon, it will be 8 years this December! Everything bought (mostly funded by the very generous Holland America line, and helped in kind, money and time by my family and friends – THANK YOU)
I need extremely over priced things everyday all day, people can’t and don’t want to keep supplying and giving, everybody gets tired at some point… I am going to need things throughout the duration of my life.. Not toys.. But just to have a good nights sleep or “walk” the dog!
I am paralysed, I am continuing.. I am alexwillwalkagain.com!
The night before last showed me how frustrating my life can be, giving up is not an option – my main goal is to live alone with my dog living independant, not needing to beg or grovel for anything, i need to be the man I was born to be not a pathetic waste of time and space that I see myself becoming… It’s a fight everyday for who I am on the inside

Find this guy on you tube – Bob Ross, happy cloud remix..

Breathe
I can only continue or die trying
Thank you for your time, thank you for your support

True beauty is something that you will never see.. It is only something you find within yourself, feel it, then you will see what your looking for…..

Life itself, when it’s running out.. it’s the most precious thing to anyone, one more day please? Sorry too late!
Open your eyes to the world around you.

This is my world
Live your life the way you want, you never know when it will be taken from you…. Your life blood and yours alone goes through that heart in that chest of yours!

At the point of injury my body wouldn’t give up, I pulled through the unimaginable… Everyday since I live with very little ability to do anything, needing help for everything, awake through each night unable to sleep.. Not only am I paralyzed but all the little extras that come with it! Lack of function, sensation all twisted up, hot when cold, hurting when nothing wrong…. A feather touch burns like fire, cold water burning.. Having to electricute myself four times a week for 54 minute sessions just to maintain the little function I do have!
Myself an inspiration?? I can’t see this.. Give up or go on! I get so 
close to giving up… Hitting a wall that I can’t get past, my mind stays strong and someway pushing through, I don’t know how and find myself laying awake at 02:19 hrs writing things down purely to get it off my mind..
Where life is taking me…. Who knows??
Why?

Trying not to take life to serious… But even peeing has to be done thru my stomach! Most days getting through by liquid going in and coming out just to keep a chube from blocking to stop autonomic dysreflexia, happy to pee myself instead of going thru that! (My head trying to split open from the inside.. Just because I can’t pee.. Or just to tell me I’m laying on a fold in the sheet)

Can’t you find love? Haven’t you got the right handbag to match your shoes? My problems aren’t yours and yours are what drives you.. This is an insight to my life!
As my blood still flows my heart still pumps… I go on each day – positive as ever.. I live and keep going… But what life truly holds for any of us who knows

For now I know what is keeping me going is “I got this far”

Energy is life..

Everyday I wake, feel the energy… Everybody.. People talk about “the soul”, how the body moves…. “What makes you tick”.. 
I ride my bike, roughly 20 miles each time.. I plug myself into the mains supply and the bike stimulates the muscles in my legs and bum into cycling, it does this by instead of getting signals from my brain through the spinal cord, the signals come via a computer direct into my muscles.

Some days I have very little energy, other days plenty…. In dec 2006 I “flat lined” my energy levels stopped completely.. (Six different occasions), I still had life left to live.. So here I am 2014 living life as I can… Pressing, pushing, pulling my way through each day, a reason for everything… A path laid down.. A destiny written… Who knows how, when or who by… I’m defenitly not finished.. But there are many many hours each day spent wondering why.?….. Why me..? Why this path..? 
For now I can’t change anything.. I can only walk the path that I’m on, deal with the cards that I’m delt. I focus my energy this way, maintaining the way I am, who I am… Trying to work out where I am!

Life is all about energy, how we create it, hold onto it and use it.. Once the energy is extinguished the life you know… Is no more

Alexander Thomas Smith,
Chained down by my own body… Trapped by my own mind
My life..

Riding through the wake of the midnight fire, riding my bike my own way, living my life my own way! I’ve definetly picked the more difficult way… But that’s the result of “learn from your mistakes”

Looking for sanctuary 
A world I may never see!
Everyday pushing.. Hoping.. Trying for what many say is the unachieveable… 
I’ve already been told :
“This is you now, get on with it!”
“Your living in a fantasy world”
“Why don’t you just stay in bed”
“If I was you”……. 
That’s just it, your not me.. I AM! I don’t even know yet what my body is truly capable of, I’m not stopping until I can find out!
No one can tell me any different… They can.. But my ears don’t hear it!
This year so far I’ve been hit by a chest/throat infection, that I’m yet to shake..
Antibiotics finished today, I’m about to do my bike, hoping this can sweat things out!
I’m still here, until they take me completely I will push everyday
I aim to achieve the impossible!
Watch this space ____________________ <- Life is harsh “Leave the weak to die” But the weak is me!….. I’m not ready to go just yet, I fight through the day… Sometimes awake through the night.. Trying to give up.. To let this life take me… Something inside me is saying “not today… Not just yet!” There’s a storm rising inside me.. Every day building up, one day soon it’s going to fire up! Fix me or kill me!  I’m tired of this game…. Something’s are just ment to be… This one is “just me” I walk this road and ride the pain, I’m pushing through paralysis.. Pushing it right off the cliff My life, my way! I’m not finished just yet A voice from the shadows A voice through the night, I am but a whisper… The echo of what millions of people go through every day, I wake up faced with a solid wall… A wall that might as well be as thick as the ground itself, no way through to the other side.. Seven years have past since I woke from my coma, from near death.. Six times diffibulated (resuscitation) to be alive again! For this I thank you my family and friends (who have stuck by) Miami! Holland America! I live a life of pain, frustration and forced patience.. Waiting every moment of everyday.. Pushing for something that may never come. Through all this I still hold onto hope, a spark inside that may one day light the fire that will burn through the ground itself! The planet we stand on has a molten core.. A fire inside, as I do everyday dig away at the surface, find what might never come. It IS POSSIBLE for me to one day walk again! Everyday push for a little more – an independent life – No one can say what is coming next….. All you can do is wait.. Be prepared for what might be Anything CAN BE, for you or for me life may be a prison.. But one thing that it is.. It’s yours, I was given this life back, you have yours, live the day like it’s your own.. Be who you are I am Alexander Thomas Smith, living paralysed everyday, free in my mind.. Free in my dreams.. Stuck only by my body Independence… Positivity.. Recovery… Happiness.. Success…. Doesn’t have to be in that order, the order changes daily, for me my independence ranks very high, it’s what keeps me heading in the right direction. A lot of people like to create the illusion of success when in reality they are riding the opposite wave.. One thing about my situation is everything is out there for you to see, success is measured differently by everyone.. But one thing fake or not, it’s your life, your the one living it… Be who you are!  Your decisions in life help to define who you are, so do the mistakes… All you can do there is to ensure you learn and adapt each time.  I’m nearly seven years paralyzed! December 14th 2006 I hit my head leading on to a series of catastrophic events, this as you can imagine changed my outlook on life..  Each day is one day closer to death.. Each day is closer to a cure Live like it’s your last! Do what makes YOU happy I’m a happy bunny today My mistakes, myself to blame, me…. the one to deal with each day that comes… But my fight, mine alone.. To feel alone surrounded by a world of support. A battle to fight with all the odds against me! Every day something inside pushes me forward to see where I can go.. Always remember where I’ve been, I survived so far.. Tomorrow brings a future unknown Your born.. as you grow your moulded by the events and experiences that take place as time rolls on, some good things and some bad… I am who I am today because of the life I’ve led, tomorrow is a blank slate to create who you feel you want to be, who knows what might happen… Live your life, live how you want, each day changes you, who knows what will be! It's not "what you're looking at" It’s HOW you look at it! Look at a wall that you can not climb… See the hurdle until you realise, the wall is protection from what lays beyond..  Look for something hard enough and never will you find it. Only when you relax your mind.. Only then do you see what you needed to! The life I once lived wasn’t all that great… The life I have now isn’t what I want… But this life is the one I have! It is what leads me to who I will be. This life now, it’s mine and if your with me… You will see, in time everything that I can be. You might see nothing in front of me… I see a future untold!  No one can say what will be.. Only what might be Alexwillwalkagain! Stand for what you believe in, stand for what you want.. My days are long.. But I’ve learned to wait everyday…. Everything in life we wait for…. but we always forget that today will soon be a memory you look back on in the future, good times and bad, we’re living them now! Tomorrow they will be gone… I’m riding this wave of thoughts everyday I live in it all by myself.. Stuck inside a body broken, my mind alive though.. 01:15hrs and I’m awake typing this. Through my life I’ve been kicked while I was down, each time I rise back up.. This time I seem to be rolling back down the hill each time, I can stand alone again… I will stand on my own two feet again…. Hold onto material things, make your life special by surrounding yourself with shiny things.. It’s in our nature to hunt and collect… The one thing in my world is independence, a way to be alone.. Live alone… Walk alone! Me in my world sitting waiting, for something that may never come. I hold onto one thing, so small and very trivial to most… But to me, to be alone in life… Independence it’s bypassed by most, people want care and attention.. But day in day out, it rides your butt a bit roar! Hope for a different life… Looking back at where I’ve been and what I’ve done.. I strive for things I had?? Health fitness and independence! A life free of pain, but to wish the life I have away.. Waiting for  what may never come… I won’t turn back the clock or change my past.. I can look through what I have now, people and things that I have loved and lost, remember the bad times in life, hold onto the good things.. Life passes you by before you know it.. See yourself through your own eyes.. Wake up and do today what needs to be done.. Achieve all you can.. Now because tomorrow never comes I sit and wait in my little world…… Holding onto hope for a silver lined future full of every possibility The reality is I had what I want now… But then I wanted something more. Live with what you have and love who your with.. One day you will find yourself looking back.. You will have miss the best parts of your life looking forward to what might never come Deep deep real deep in my little world.. Me and my fluffy man Today Bethany my two year old niece looked at a picture of Tyler (my Staffy RIP x), she said “poor Tyler puppy.. You’ll never be back again” then turned to dexter (my fluffy man) she said “if you weren’t born Tyler could come back” She’s two! The time I had with Tyler worth more money than the world has… He got me through so much.. But now it’s dexters time! Good times to come, but live for what is now I can’t walk, I can’t stand.. I can’t even sit up… But fuck it! Live life for now.. Not for what’s next or what has been! Hold onto hope and try and stay positive.. But be true to yourself, be who you are You are worth it, live in your world the way you want This is my world Nothing’s set in stone, I had physio today with Steve, standing and stability in my chair with the parallel bars. For just over a year I’ve been sitting on a plateau… Maintaining things “just in case”,today was the best standing yet! I might just have moved from “maintaining” to improving!  There’s not enough to say for definite yet but… Today went well, I’ll continue as I am with my FES and standing, in eight weeks we’ll see if there’s more to say As a girl once said to me “think positive” “Don’t dwell on the past”  I’ve said it a number of times…. But…. It’s the past that creates your future, things that happen in your past, steer you in new directions for what’s still to come! So don’t stay worrying about what’s happened, instead use those bad times to make your future better Just don’t hide away from all the hurt! If you survive you come out the other side stronger Bad choices, good choices…. It’s your choice to live with it or make the bad choices better, we can’t change the past.. each of us has the choice to improve on our past. You are the one living it you choose! Not to dwell on the past But to look upon a future unknown, a future with every possibility achievable if you want it enough… These words come from near impossible wishes, but still hope lies ahead for me.. Everyday that has past cannot be re-played or undone, the days that lay ahead however can hold anything, use your experience from what has past to build the future that you want, you alone are the one living it. Use this time to build the memories you hold close A path well worn We each walk but one path in life,  that of which many have walked before, the road laid out in front of you is yours and yours alone, some paths run parallel… But many alone. I have set down in front of me many twists, turns, hills and forks.. I am set in motion, that I can’t stop…. But where the path ends, that I have some choice! Every day is like a movie Everyday you wake up you choose how you “act”…. The film reel as with each day, it runs out before you realise, “blink and its gone”, as hard as any decision in life is… each one starts fresh at the break of dawn, sometimes you run the wrong film reel in your mind.. Sometimes it’s a repeat.. But the one thing as  with life, everything ends… It’s up to you if you want to look back later in life and see the re-runs in your mind, change things now in the present so looking back through old dusty memories as with an old movie reel they get brittle… Break or fade! Moral choices in each day build who you are, but unlike a movie there are no re-takes Push me I may fall.. But most often I get back up! Through the heat.. There’s ways to cool down, in the cold.. If you look you will find heat, I found its in your energy.. Feel it in your heart and you can achieve it! Not always straight away or first try…. But always through everything “life finds a way” My positivity took a hit these past few days.. I was in bed today (under a fan) by 15:30hrs!! The suns out.. Maybe for a week, maybe a month.. I haven’t done my bike…. 6974 miles completed to date! Through six long years I have pushed, pulled and now maintaining my health and fitness, I have high hopes for this year, so even though down today, I’ll be back tomorrow. I will never get my “old self” back.. But every day I can work on my “new self”, not giving in or giving up but pressing my body.. My boundaries to pull everything out. Dissolved scar tissue… Reduced the cyst….. There is no removing the titanium neck plate and screws, or the “second hand” c6 vertebra! I have a lot to get through, but been through so much, I’m not stopping just yet I’ve proven to be…….. Me! Connections In life if you look at anything there will be connections to everything! Positives need negatives… The sun needs the rain to create a rainbow, the same as bad things in life make the good things that little bit better.. To much ice cream makes you feel sick! Get the balance right then it tastes better, if you go and sit in the desert for long enough all you need in your life would be water. Look at what really matters to you right now and work at balancing that..  I’m looking at finding my equilibrium where I am right now, tomorrow will be another day.. The next…. It’s my birthday! One life, live it how you feel…. In the end you’ll be the only one feeling how you live! Paths in life are set.. Mapped out on this earth for each one of us, they split, they narrow and divide, one route will take you home another down a blind road… Only when you’ve traveled my path will you see the world through my eyes…. Only a few see how I see things, only I see what I choose.. Your the one living your life, I walked a path for 26 years.. I jumped and broke myself.. I’ve rolled as I am for 6 years now traveling along… I maintain my health and well being each day, I’ve come up to another path just now.. A dirt path, a drug to take.. A drug I will take, this drug will bring hope, this drug may help, it may be nothing.. I’m fed up just sitting waiting, I hope to take  this "a vitamin supplement  You meet people in life… The planets full of them.. Some stay, most leave, only a few imprint on you. Those are few and far between, but they are the ones to hold onto.. Those who mean something, they know.. You know.. Dexters my buba! The meaning of life It’s life itself…. It’s everything that you hold close, anything can be taken at any time.. We only have one chance, live for what’s in your heart! For one it would be their children, for some their animals.. Look inside your heart and live for what’s there, to each and everyone it’s different, but to you, nothing else matters The earth circles the sun, it always sets in the east… Each new day it rises in the west, everyday I wake.. I wake to a day that although I’m writing about it, the end is un-known.. Anything can happen.. what I do today is up to me!  Live life and love with no restrictions, I am restricted in movement but not in mind My rant Sometimes it takes the stress of the day or the request for a breakfast read from someone! My life is slow this week, I have been out in the fresh air most of today.. Only to come back in to a very rude reception, I was brought up to respect people, enter someone’s house… You remove your shoes, be polite and don’t “just expect” you need to work your way to people’s affections, you need to earn respect in all aspects of your life.. One person recently came into my life “payed to assist me in my independence” although competent in the different aspects of the job (my life) the one way to discribe her R U D E! Previously I had a lovely pa doing the same job (my life), the entire assignment felt like two days, this assignment is just two days in! I know this Monday can’t come quick enough! It feels like a month has passed…. “Carer” in the dictionary – it’s not, rude , self centred, lazy! To be “a carer” – it should state “be like Lucie! Just thought I’d tell anyone who’s listening.. my mind inspiring me to write, sometimes nothing.. Sometimes something worth remembering.. Most things on are a record of my progress thru fes and physio.. Life changes you… You build your life so who builds who?  As I write the winds blowing up outside, like the sands of time drifting away a second by second… If a bunny gives you a year what could you do with it?? What would you do? I’m starting with lions Positivity My life has taken me in so many directions.. Up down left and right, this week I’ve looked at my life differently, I started the year negatively… Now I’m pushing to be positive! A new thing each week.. Not to much.. Just a change here and there, as hard as life can be.. When one day ends another begins. People come people go….. Everyone lives their lives, some people stay.. Some are not that important! Some come into your life quietly but make the biggest impact.. That to could be a dog, cat, shark.. Even a hunny eating bunny! I will take my kite to the beach, show dexter the sea, I will swim in a shark tank and feed some big cats..  One heart beat becomes two, two into three… Picture perfect, I dream about one life but live another.. It’s time now to bring those together and live this life I have  This is about you, changing me not who I am… My life builds me, just how I look at myself through my eyes Bruce Lee influence's my strength Through everything I still have choice.. I was thinking this year was bad… It’s not bad, bad things happen.. But it’s down to me how I live… Even tho I am broken, I still wake each day, a new day! Every one that comes, I am the one who has to live it! I can be told something 1000 times but I am the one who choose’s when to listen…. When to act! My choice is today.. I choose now.. Tomorrow is forever coming. My thoughts run my life.. Being as I am…. Stuck I a crazy mind pinned down by paralysis.. A few years back I started writing… I may stop tomorrow or might keep going for another 50yrs?? Like Forrest Gump and his running..  I do know my life has been stuck on repeat for to long now, I’m the one driving… Waiting waiting… For something that may never come! I have to keep up on my bike, I have to maintain what I have achieved so far.. But realisation today says I am the one stopping myself – only I truly know what my body can do.. And even without function I still have my mind.. I, me myself! Why I should rise and you did not.. Since my autonomic episodes (HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, sit/stand up), all the problems I went through these past few weeks.. I think it’s just “after effects” from this, I was in the shower (little dexter sleeps on a towel in the corner of the bathroom while I do this) yesterday listening to music…… My left side went tingly then numb! I then started to faint  I called out but through the music I was muffled… Dexter woke and started barking until carer lady came to rescue! Already he’s earning his breakfast. My blood pressure when fainting (with me, others may differ) means low (LOW, raise legs/lay down), since yesterday morning this “numb feeling” has came back three times.. All different sinarios -left hand little finger to index, left leg.. My sensation changes from time to time, I believe the AD has brought on some changes, it’s classed as a medical emergency (AUTONOMIC DYSREFLEXIA), I’m “normally” full of nerve pain in the above mentioned parts (a hash sun burn) So don’t know if good or bad yet.. Going to ring stokemandaville for confirmation on my theory tomorrow  I find myself questioning from time to time why?? In ICU Miami Christmas night both the guy next to me and I flatlined….. They got me back and he died… “Why I should rise and you should not” – quote from a song, walking dead series 3… Some songs jar memories from time to time, that one just hit home to me Life hope and positivity  If life pushes you…… Push back.. It’s true only the strong survive! My body is still numb from AD today, my head still hurts…. Any little movement brings on the start up symptoms of AD, I believe this will calm over night..  I died six years ago! But they brought me back…. Not once, six times! Paralysis is hard every minute.. Everyday, to look from the outside in, to see me through your eyes….. It’s nothing on living every second of every day as I am..  Every eight weeks my catherdar is changed, the passed three being progressively worse. Today brought on full autonomic dysreflexia! This can kill! It is a “medical emergency”… It’s not the first time I’ve gone through it and it definitely won’t be the last… This year started bad, it doesn’t look like its letting up yet…. Today I was told “it can’t get worse”……… It then did!  Through each day I try being positive, I hold onto the last scraps of hope! Each night I sleep waking to a new day.. This is what I keep in mind.. This is my life! Every life starts.. Every life has to end! Mine although full of pain hurt and heart ache.. It’s still going…. I’m still here Nobody knows what the morning will bring…. Nobody knows what you can take.. Feel for who you are inside.. Feel for those you care for… Take the pain Take everything, because everything is just the life you live Downward spiral Whatever happens…. The life that I live right now keeps going… It makes me feel pathetic and useless.. Reliant on everyone for everything… And my catherdar site is red roar (stomach) Paralysis is a real shit! I am no inspiration  My mind is alive in a broken body…. The one thing… Only thing! I can do “without assistance” is think, I’m trapped by my own thoughts.. My own mind, if I’m doing what I feel isnt right I’m the one laying awake at night having to live with it.. Six years I broke my neck, my own body weight snapping my neck, with that one crack my life changed, instead of being out going and alive.. I’m stuck inside my mind, chasing things over and over and over.. These are the cards I’ve been delt, I will follow the road that my life is leading me, i live by my own morals, they mayt not be right for you but they are for me. I live inside my own mind… They say chuck is not right for me, they may be right but I need to try, the same as through all this shit everyday I continue I will not give up on him… I am no inspiration, I just live this life Time, life.. Days… Life runs a long road for some… Others time goes to quick, this life… My life hurts everyday.. Burning like fire throughout my body, I watch the world turn.. I watch other lives being lived…. Not mine, my life stopped, changed, continued.. It’s still a life…. One still full of choices, I live everyday as I do.. Alone but surrounded by many.. I live unable to move, I feel the same inside… But seeing what I do each time I see what you see in me.. I press on knowing something inside me keeps my heart reaching out.. Keeps my world turning.. Keeps my heart pumping with only chuck holding on to it.. My little man thrown into my world of hurt, my little man gives me problems to solve.. Choices to make.. A life to live My life, this life.. What life Paralysis is shit! What does this life hold for me… For you.. For us…. What pushes us to keep going, what resides in all of us at times of dispear? I have no clue what makes me want to keep on, to move to live.. But each day there is something that forces me on.. Everyday, each day I keep going. It’s inside me.. It’s human nature to want more… For me it’s life…. I want more from MY life! That may be someone, something… Even somewhere! But either way I’m still to find that something, until I do I keep going, I keep this life… I keep ME…. No-one knows what tomorrow holds, no-one knows where my life is taking me?? Today I recieved another piece to the puzzle that is the Quinn family, spread throughout the globe, this time from Australia! We are def far and wide.. But truly from strong blood! Through times of hardship and heart ache we are always family, the support I have around me drives my need to succeed A life spent with me… A life spent watching me.. A life spent without me……. Either way its a life spent! Never to be again.. Each one is yours, use it doing what makes you happy, you never know what tomorrow holds This life.. Ambition in life is everything, without it there is no life to live! Find what you want and use what you have inside to take it, without reason to live you are just a shell slowly decaying… I have something inside pushing me…although my bodies broken my mind is alive, ambition in life is mine – in life.. time is the most valuable thing to have, for each of us it’s slipping away – take this day, don’t wait for another… It may never come It’s your life to live… No-one else can live it for you This is my life…written here, this is how I lived the past five years Some will see what I do.. Some will read what I’m doing… Im the only one feeling what I do One life In 1 life time it’s possible to live 1000 different ways.. The choices you make may not always be yours… Or the right ones! But it’s only you that is walking that road,  “your born alone, you die alone” what you do in between, who your doing it with.. That comes down to you, good or bad what ever happens.. Your the one living it! You decide, your life… “the only thing we HAVE to do is die” Do some thing.. Alone or with “that” someone, do it before… You can’t! Right now it’s me and Chuck… It’s easier to type than to do.. I plan on three things this year.. 1000 paths to walk.. But each turn is yours to take, believe in what your doing, to start it only takes 1 step.. My life, your life…. This life! Do it! I’ve been places that most will never go! My heart still beats… I still have things to do… Even though I may only be rolling there I came back a little broken… But I still did it! Life is harsh! Life is full of hurt.. In my life everyday I’m trapped by my paralysis, others live their lives with their problems…. Everybody has them.. Mine are just “out there” on display for everybody to see, I deal with things my way.. The only way I can… Maintain maintain.. Not everyday but physio runs my world! Pumping blood around me, maintaining health and fitness.. Keeping hold of my enthusiasum, chasing it each day! People flash in and out of my life, some mean something others don’t.. Each day although others around, I am alone in my world of paralysis, dealing with the life I have….. It’s short.. It hurts.. But it’s mine! Share it with me, live as I do… But feel what I do.. That’s something only I know! The pain in my life everyday im trapped.  To continue on I will! With the people around me, one day the love, one day the life that I want, blink and life goes passed, live the life you need to but feel what’s in your heart Be the person you want to be Sometimes you just need to say bollocks! So be it! Run It won’t help.. In life you need to stand your ground, if you fight and lose…. So be it! But fight and win! That’s a whole other thing! Just the feeling inside once your through it, the feeling of “just being” I cannot run.. I can’t stand… I am just here…. Anything and everything heading my way, I’m tortured every day… Day in day out, every second paralysis holds me tight! Even if I try and run.. My only choice is to sit and take what comes! Every day I do… Everyday I will. One day maybe, they may find my cure.. But until then bring on the same… The same everyday Bring on what you can, I’m here waiting One day maybe www.alexwillwalkagain.com Time to think As time goes on, you find yourself lost in the thoughts of your past.. Where you’ve been.. Who was there… Things you’ve done.. People you did them with.. As life slips by, you sit back wishing for things.. Wanting more every day.. But those days spent wanting…. Thinking.. That will become what you wish for very quickly before you know it.. Those wasted days waiting for things to happen.. It becomes everything you need but the one thing you cannot get back…… Once a day is gone you don’t get it back.. Life is short! So even though the day seems long.. Blink and your life will be near its end, you’ll find yourself wishing for all that time you spent waiting…  You are a long time dead! Fill your life with what makes you happy Your the one living it Life My life, your life, this life…. Our LIFE We all have our problems… Mine are just all logged on here! Nothing doing today for me other than a walk with chuck, tomorrow I will strap my “dead” legs onto the fes bike for another 20ish miles.  Bring on tomorrow’s tomorrow…. Nobody knows what will be.. I don’t even know where I’m going with this paragraph!? Tomorrow will be today in an hour and a half.. I might know more then Chucks doing well pooping outside.. He’s just a bit confused about where to pee Talk hard, follow your heart, it may not be clear where life is leading you.. But each day the mist does clear a little.. Draw strength from where you can – only you can decide what you do with the life you live…… I keep turning the pages in time.. It slips away to fast, the story of life changes every day.. Each time you blink, each breath you breathe life moves on with or without you, six times I’ve left but they put the air right back in my lungs and I’m still here doing seemingly nothing with it, you then look back and right here I have written down where I’ve been… What I’ve done these past six years I am what is inside you Heart… blood and pressure, energy and aura….. It’s the life Blood of all of us I am broken, I may never be fixed…. But inside I maintain strength and positivity through everything, I can not give you an answer why, I just do.. I’ve tried “letting go” “giving in”…. I just can’t.. Not yet, I don’t think I could reach that point..  Run things through my life A thousand times…. My life.. Walking.. Independance… Love…. Stay strong.. Keep going…. Push through the pain.. Flog that dead horse! – mine has defibrillators attached its been flogged so much… Money.. Life….. Survive or live.. Take today.. To tired to bike.. To worn out to transfer.. Rain on and off, living and breathing but nothing doing A day I’d want back later on… But now it’s gone I will maintain my health and fitness, just had to loose today! I’ll try tomorrow – life.. The way things go, it’s up to you and you alone, the choices you make form pathways that you walk… Building bridges over problems.. Sometimes needing help to get through all the hurt… I don’t know about destiny.. But you build the life you live with the choices you make. Free will has concequence, sometimes take a moment to think before you act – I’m stuck thinking a thousand thoughts everyday, unable to move! I will maintain, while medical research continues… I have to wait.. But i think life is lived inbetween any plans made… Nothing works out the way you thought it would, remember if today is wasted… It’s your choice, you won’t get it back! “it can’t rain all the time” – Brandon Lee, The crow Connect   Everything is connected in this world, everything is connected within us! My body works… I just have a cyst, scar tissue, some screws and a titanium plate blocking my connections within my neck.. My will is strong.. I can say it waivers from time to time… I will maintain my health, fitness and complete physical well being.. Hoping for what may never come… Living with what function I have.. Maintaining things for anything that may be.. Hoping to jolt something within me to create that connection that helps me move..  Each day different and all together the same – do what needs to be done to get through each one I am living each day as I am, everyone wants what they can not have.. From a girl to all the riches in the world, people say ” at least you have your health” I never thought there was “wealth” in that… I spent 9months in a caravan! All I had was my health (and baby tyler)! Now look at what I’ve done to myself…? My “recovery” may stretch over years……!? I’m fully aware I’ll never be “as I was” I just want my independance.. The tech is here and avaliable .. Over these past few years I’ve def been a think’er instead of a do’er, maybe that will change.. Maybe not… Only time will tell Money does help! But health is everything. Tomorrow standing then Monday bike (another 20 miles to no where) maintaining what I have… Hoping for what might come Who knows………? Everybody dies… Not everyone truly lives I am who I am, doing what I can, with what I can.. Mistakes, Sometimes planning life gets in the way of the mistakes that make the life you live while waiting for that plan to happen…??? Not all mistakes are bad ones I made a bad one.. But a few good ones too! My chair broke…… Opening my eyes to the whole “waiting for everything” so many things building up inside felt like I needed to explode, instead of thinking what would have, could have, might have been I need to work with what I have -while waiting for all those plans to show themselves, so even tho wide awake at mid night, I believe I have enough resources about to fit “my spec chair” together, as my quad crippers have yet to turn up.. I am very good vocally so we’ll see how things go…. This is good in threoy – life itself is waiting…. From 9months comfy in the womb to the first journey home.. Leaving home to find your way.. Even waking up in hospital with a priest standing over you! Waiting for him to start the “last rights”… I did ask him to leave -I wasn’t going then.. I’m still not ready yet! Waiting for an itch to go because your arms won’t do as you tell them.. Feeling your chest change temperature as your lungs fill with fluid until the man comes along to Hoover you out through the hole in your neck… I’m not to sure what I spent today waiting for?? But I know I’m not doing the same tomorrow ! (mid text there were just a few memories from hospital). Life is gone in a moment.. There are no limitations…. No restrictions… But all together everything all at once, life is fragile and harder than rock.. In the same moment fluid as any liquid Life drives every moment that you live Be everything you can and all that you want as each day you wake that’s another day gone Do something to be remembered or faid into time, I am all I can be but not all I’m going to be Life changes you and molds you into everything you are I’m alive… But i’ll be a long time dead Trust yourself Your the only one who truly can! Make out the world as it is…. Will it end this year or does god know?? Who knows.. We’ll see… Right now I’m easy either way, I came back for a reason – this worlds not quite finished with me yet.. Bring on all that may come…. Adapt.. Don’t accept! Life happens, you choose the path to walk… I took the wrong one.. But my life must mean something as I came back.. What that is I’m yet to find out……. It may not be important…. It may be I just forgot something yet to do….. Those who’ve past.. You were everything! I just need to find that something L I F E Life..  Live life as you are…. Nobody knows what’s coming tomorrow, good things happen.. Bad things to.. But sitting back you’ll never find out what could have/would have been! Share what’s in your heart, speak your mind… Let that person know… If your not open to be hurt.. Life won’t find you, you’ll find yourself 90yrs old or dead! Without living Be that what you are.. See what that can be My head, my heart, my blood boils with frustration somedays.. All born from the situation I created the day I broke my neck! “don’t live in the past” “love yourself” “you can’t change what’s happened, you have to accept it” “BOLLOCKS!” F………k it! You try living as I am with what I have and try to accept it! Independence  Every day…. To be in prison.. To fight every day, I maintain my physical state, as I am… Right now I share every moment of every day with someone.. That someone changes all the time….. Sometimes helpful sometimes not.. Sometimes I feel helpless but never have I felt free! For five years I fight to walk.. I fight for over everything my independance!! To be free of the need to have “help” with everything… www.quadtools.com Thanks to the wonderful people who drink in Drakes (in Maidstone), you have propelled me forward to my main goal (right now), my goal for independance.. Raised the money for me to buy – right and left mini arms, a long reach right arm, and a left knife arm.. Bringing the hope for independance that little bit closer Thank you! I know even though right now I’m living on a plateu as regards to recovery.. Slowly so very slowly.. They are researching a cure, so never giving up the hope for my independance and one day walking again, until then creating a semi independant life however I can Some people have said I’m an inspiration…..I don’t think its me that can take the credit.. It’s everyone around me, I have to keep going.. Every day things happen that people live through.. This just takes a bit of patience…. I got an envelope today from New York, it said “once you reach the end of the rope… Tie a knot in it and hold on”, so true for my situation right now! I am riding a plateu, maintaining my health and fitness and most of all my sanity!! Jellyfishes  I think that they may have broken me to sit back and contemplate life! – 2hrs being electrocuted can make your mind wonder…. I broke my neck at c5/c6, this is “incomplete” so restricts signals from my brain to body, this does tend to piss me off most days, my legs are still fully functional – even after 5 long long yrs, just waiting on medical science to catch up with me… A jellyfish has no brain! But some have eyes… They don’t think.. They just do! They can process colour, shapes and light and dark… But with what??? Spinal reflex is something we use to function on a daily basis eg, when walking your not thinking “left leg right leg” over and over… Your more likley thinking “not more work… Or I need to pee..maybe…. What’s in the fridge”, then you’re legs just do it! Spinal reflex! This is kind of a “simple” example of how I ride the FES Bike, but using electric pulses directly to the muscles to keep things working… I need someone out there to bypass the point of injury, via a bridge using a metal strip…. Or simalar implant then using a similar FES computer that my brain can send signals to, then the signals then “jump” the point of injury using the implanted bridge, allowing my body to function, or from my brain to the computer to my muscles… Using a suit with wires to bypass If I can ride a bike using this tech…. It can’t be impossible to restore function so I can have my body back… I’m slowly slowly imploding in on myself… To give up still isnt me, my body functions, not as it did! I carry 70% of “me” laying still my body is on fire, nerve pain throughout… Drugs calm this, so does exercise, my FES bike helps maintain and calm down my body.. Incase incase incase new things happen!  On your death bed, if you were given back a day……….. What would you do with it??? Now just think of what you’ve done with “today” (I don’t mean live life at 100000mph… Just live it) Tread slowly if you ever find yourself in a croc pit Wounds heal, scars faid… All that matters is what you choose to do now. The problem is I don’t know what that is, I guess I’ll just let things flow for now…. Although paralysed i feel everything! My mind wonders everywhere my legs can not take me We all need a voice You may never have heard mine.. But as you read, the written word becomes my voice in a thousand different ways all saying the same thing.. Those days.. Those times you wish you had, you wondered what if…? I did.. I have… Life leads you a way, something pushes us through.. Life makes us who we are, every day spent learning – I’ve spent a long time learning patience! Our lives are short in this world, but since chalk was put to wall and quill to bark.. Pen to paper.. Now my thumb to iPad, the written word in the digital world is spread at the touch of a button world wide.. My voice may help you……. It may not! either way it’s out there.. My life, my mistakes, my experiences, my day Your day will soon be tomorrow, tomorrow will become today…. Blink then the next day will be gone to, live your life how you want, be what you want  This……. This is me Life is fragile but the mind is strong Acceptance against maintenance Recovering through these past years…. I’m still riding the plateu.. Nothing doing…. With todays technology and the advances in medical science, nobody can say what will happen tomorrow… The inca’s think the worlds ending this year, if so not to worry…. But just incase it doesn’t, I’m going to continue maintaining my health fitness, mobility and hope for independance in the years to follow. As always.. As with everybody restricted by money and time, time slips away and in need of a mountain of money but never getting further than an ant hill!  Accepting my physical state at the moment is still a big NEGATIVE.. I’d like to… I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor! I survived a broken neck, drowning, secondary drowning, nuemonia/hyperthermia (not sure which… Possible both) six times my heart gave up and my lungs stopped functioning… Along with a few other things…… I’m out the other side five years along, I have said a number of times – my mind is strong but my body is broke! I don’t know what the future holds I do know I can’t “just settle for what I am” “who I am won’t let me” I want to be the man I was born to be… Not dependant on someone else for everything.. Even to PEE! No accepting.. Not today…. Not tomorrow, it’s just not me I’m the one looking out, counting the seconds of time mounting up then slipping away I'm fighting the slowest fight ever To stay strong through five long years of nothing! I maintain what I am… What I can.. In the shadow of my life, watching the days turn to night, the spring turn to summer.. I am still the same person that I was… Just had to learn patience the hardest and longest way possible, take my advice! It is deffinetly better to live by other peoples mistakes….. Live by mine!  Nerve pain is my brain talking to my muscles, through the “incomplete” pathways and tangled mess of undirected regenerated ones…. I feel pain I feel both light and deep sensation down through 77% of my body – sensation over motor function, and down the left side, hyper-sensation, prolonged delayed intense sensation… To live for what I am I brought back what I can… I maintain what I have.. Maybe a cure  will come.. I live with the hope of tomorrow… The unknown.. the future of what will come Paralysed  Its not what people see looking in…. It’s about what I feel like looking at myself looking out….. To feel “normal..” to feel for a moment through the day as I once was.. To be free of my prison.. Always a hope… But a long long glimmer in the distance – “knocking on the door” knocking on the wrong door! The research is in progress, but I live as I am the best way that I see I can.. There will be ways to live better.. But it’s my heart that leads me.. It’s not what others see…. But what I see… What I feel that I am.. I’ve made a mess of the body that I was born into.. But built my mind to be strong  Growing up I once set fire (a few times) to the field using petrol then drove through the wall of flames on a motor bike ( that also had a fuel leak )…. I was tied by my feet to the back of a car and dragged round at about 30mph.. This lead onto skiing on my knees behind the car, also jumping from the bike to the car ( while moving ) and climbing in the sun roof… Now I’m afraid transferring from bed to chair…. How life changes! A memory of a life once lived Not just any life……. MY LIFE I talk as though this life is over.. It’s not… What once was has gone but what stands now is still me This website holds my voice and the record of my recovery to date, although now I stand still in my recovery… This is still me, I still have a life to live.. Far from what I once had, a long way from where I was, all I did was to go swimming….. That choice haunts me everyday, but even today I still breathe… I can’t walk.. But I talk hard.. I need to live as I type… To know me each day.. Read my story see what happened, see how one choice can mold a life…. A life I now live….  I can’t keep hold of threads of memories past, I need to weave what I live now into more than just TEXT.. I will ride my FES RTI 300 bike again tomorrow, to maintain my health and fitness, lowering fat build up, helping blood cuiculation, reducing calcium build up in my joints, preventing paralysed ligaments seizing up, reducing spazums in my muscles, maintaining bone density and muscle mass.. Keeping my heart and lungs strong… Roughly 9miles each time – insect bites for 54minutes (the electricity flowing through me). Nearly 6000miles to nowhere! Where is this life leading me? What are you doing with yours…? My life Me.. My experience’s.. What I’ve done, how I have lived my life, right or wrong…. It’s done now! I am how I am.. I am who I am, “what I am” can not be changed, although yes my mind can be changed… But its the strongest thing about me, so good luck trying… I have been built this way, I was brought up and lessons learnt moulded me this way. I have built this road I am walking, it’s my journey and mine alone… As is yours as with everyone. To “except” my physical state as I am is the hardest thing in the world, every minute of everyday I think of ways to live as I am… I will adapt and I will be the man I want to be… Just right now I don’t know how to get there… But again that is my choice to make.. The only thing in life you have to do is die, everything else you decide! Both in Miami and over here they say recovery is 12 -18 months… I’ve pressed, pushed bent and beat those boundaries.. Five years in I’ve only just hit a plateu, “this” might be me now… Who knows.. Where life will take me this year no-one knows…  I fight every day still (even if it is in my own mind) I am Alexander Thomas smith, on dec 14th 2006 my life changed forever… It’s brought me to where I am today.. Where I’ll be tomorrow who knows I do know I am the only one who can get me there Be all you can be, be all you want to be… But be who you are! The power of the mind is greater than any other, keeping your head strong you can get through anything.. Time takes everything from you.. In time life takes you, it’s up to you how that life is lived, an idea is born and can fade as easily…. But then that same thought can grow – the mind is a muscle that can be worked… In my" body.. My mind is the strongest part of me – in the past someone once told me “you have magic hands, you can build anything” now I have to type using my thumb as my hands no longer work! But my mind still ticks away all day everyday – I still have a life to live, if I can build this website with my thumb.. Who knows where the rest of my body will take me! Bad things happen….. But sometimes good things can come from them Be all you can be……? Be all that you want to be, it’s your life, your the one that has to live it…. Living it a day at a time I find, I over think things.. I can make things up in my mind to worry about.. Little things into something it’s not.. A mountain out of a mole hill, my life.. Your life… It’s private, but I choose to put mine out there for the world to see.. I started a record of my recovery.. That lead on to this, I’ve documented roughly 4years of my life now.. Ins and outs ups and downs…. Follow me, or don’t… It’s your choice One day at a time.. I live it as I am A coin One coin, two coins…all the coins, everything, all of it and nothing! I have my health I have my bed and I’m fed every day…. Happiness can be everything, it can be a single glass of water on a hot day, it’s different for every person… It’s different every day, today it was cold.. I needed warmth, I may need more tomorrow… The world is a double sided coin… Somedays you know where your heading.. Somedays you don’t! You think you have a choice but… Every man MUST live……..  Every man MUST die What you do.. What you are…  It’s up to you, until your taken! Talk hard! Live hard.. Die once… In your life you can live a thousand times Spin that coin PaiN And frustration.. To learn patience in “real time” living each hour.. Each second.. Breathing each breath – my life, your life…. This life! To feel your chest heat up from inside with frustration, the knot inside.. It takes so long to………….. Do anything!  There is no out let for what I feel.. Depression, frustration, pain….. It’s called paralysis.. Your body frozen but nothing stopping your mind ticking away! Nothing stopping time.. Each day slipping away never to be seen again, I know I need to live my life.. But how? When I’m stuck as I am, going round and round, a prisoner in my own mind – one way in…. No way out! What will be will be…. I need to know my place in this world… But no-one can tell you.. I need someone to tell me.. But no-one knows Live a day as I am and see how you cope! Life is a real shit sometimes…. Have a fight.. Have a fu€#!, there is no way to relieve this frustration – to break something… No all I can do is breathe Today all I’d like to say is…. Fuck it and bollocks! I’m down just now.. But I will rise again like the phenix from the ashes – refreshed and re-born, the strength of my mind is stronger than the broken body that holds it. Bring on the future…. bring on the pain! What the future holds no one knows, Winnie has shed her fur, it’s re grown as she does, every day stronger… Everyday I get closer to my independance I’ll fight each day to achieve it. I won’t give up, i went through all that I have and my pulse still beats.. As my lungs draw each breath I will continue this fight through paralysis… Taking the bad along with the good One day I am going to walk My legs.. My life.. My choice… Never give up hope – anything can happen! Life is hard… Your born into this world screaming… and the fact is.. nothing really changes! babies, children, boy, girl – men, women we are all the same under the skin… what separates us is the varied ability to grow, learn and adapt to different situations and feelings.. 20% mum 20% dad 60% a blank tape to be recorded.. when things happen (they always do), that is when your true colours show.. how you deal with your problem, the choice you’ve made.. mainly how you’ve calmed that screaming baby that is yourself! you will get kicked down and knocked back, but how you pick yourself back up again, that will show your true character, how strong you’ve become.. there is only a set amount you can be told.. the rest is up to you… open your heart.. try new things.. you may get hurt… but if you don’t you will never know – my one piece of advice is – Take out some life insurance ; ) After all it’s your life  you only get one.. do with it what you will – you never know things might work out in the end…   Bring forth onto me, Everything.. Anything and all that you have…. All that you are, I take all that you give.. I may no longer be standing…… But through everything I still breathe.. I still hold strong.. My heart still beats, and for each breath my lungs draw inside me, I live the life that I have  pulled back! from the brink of death.. I came from the earth and to that I will return! That can not and will never change – in life we all have to die.. But I have come from the life I once lived with too much life still to live! They tried to take me five years ago… I press on with no-where else to go other than forward.. As with time.. We can’t change what has been… But what is still to be has not been written… What I will be can not be seen.. the strength I feel inside pushes me every day… Through the dark days.. I maintain my heading.. I focus my frustration and feel my way back to the road that i have to travel, today I was knocked back.. Tomorrow I will continue… I will be all that I can 5 I have lived… Loved, been there.. done that… I have experienced a few things in life, it has all led me to this point, I have lost friends and loved ones, but it all happened and left me here…. I am still going through everything that has past.. It has built the person I am today, I can’t say weather that’s good or bad.. But either way my life continues, as I am.. Upright or sitting.. I keep breathing, although unable to move, life passes by… Leaving the past and looking to the future… Those who were close are always going to be in my heart.. But as each beat of my heart…. Along with the hands of time, life won’t wait, as I am I will live, I will keep trying to reach my goal.. Although today unattainable………. Maybe tomorrow, I will hold onto the last thread of hope until that day my ashes join Tyler in the earth.. As hard as life can be.. It just makes the good times feel better, I did my bike today then standing tomorrow – 5 years! This year, 5 long years of frustration like you wouldn’t believe!!! Through all that I continue…. 5 freaken years! To be patient.. is to be everything in life… Be that and you can take all that life can give, inside my mind I am like a hive of activity while on the outside my life.. my body lays dormant, I am a slave to the will of others, unable to stand and be heard.. Hoping that one day it “may” be different, every minute, every hour, every day goes by… hoping waiting wishing but never changing I need to stop thinking about if this if that if maybe… And utilise what I have in front, around and inside me, I just need to maintain what I have and continue on It’s just very HARD to work through my brain Easy to say hard to do! I am who I am! That will never change.. What I’m doing and where I am right now…. I have an energy inside myself that needs a direction Blood flows through me as it does with every living thing, from the sap in a tree to water in a river, my blood is red and boils every day….. I can’t move but my mind is alive.. Like a nest of bulldog ants eating a geko from flesh to bone… My mind eats me alive… Things happen in life that you can not change, be who you are, try and stay strong… Life beats you up and things get you down… Push yourself through – I will carry on until my heart misses that beat For now I’m still going… Like the sands of time, running out one grain at a time The things in life that you hold close to your heart, make up who you are, but always throughout life things change – the true love doesn’t fade… the memories last forever – stay inside and watch the world pass you by… don’t leave a mark and let yourself drift back into the ashes of history blowing in the wind..  Or….. Stand up each time your knocked down! Tyler is my baby, he got me through so much.. I will never let his memory go, the man I became because I shared his life, the strength he filled me with… Just the days I got up out my bed for him… Little things…. But if you could live a day as I do, you know the energy it takes just to motivate yourself! Sometimes the kindest thing to do for those you love is also the hardest.. To let them go… Nobody knows what happens when you die, but for me at least through the fight for my life in Miami… My heart stopped 6 times, using adrenaline injections to the heart and everything and anything else they did got me back again.. I do have “weird” memories – morphine dreams…. I’d be anywhere in my dream world, each time they zapped my heart my dream froze… All I saw was an bright green or blue…… Tv screen/light then found myself restarting things (in my dream) again from a secret special forces cinema in south America, people around me at the time doctors, surgeons.. Family were all there in my dreams I feel that Tyler has gone, as with anyone close… But I to will go.. My energy needs to go somewhere… I need to make the life that I’ve been given back count, I can honour what he did for me by carrying on, I need to do everything I can with what I’ve been given back – you never know when you will be taken! But when I go he’ll be there his suffering and pain away, I held him while he took his last breath, whispering to him I love you… Go to sleep X In life everybody, everything dies – I will too… It’s how you live your life! One day I will be back with my puppy… But for now I need to continue with this life I have been given back Plus just to give me one last kick in the nuts my catherdar has blocked! So the nurse is on the way to change it!  Make your Mark on this world you only live once… But a memory can last forever! Stay strong life is hard most of the time for everyone.. We do tend to remember the good times and forget the bad… My life before was far from perfect.. And now things are even less straight forward.. But some thing keeps me pushing on… I think sometimes its pure stuburness when people tell me i cant i want to more, even the bad stuff drink, smoking etc – people treat me “differently” now telling me i cant drink or smoke…. But then i end up drinking more and burning myself, but i feel freer (not the next day…. Im hanging!) but then a day hungover makes me want to get back to it and make something of what ive been given back! Cry when you need to, listen to your body not other “crazy talk” – i can talk shit aswell, you need to take all the positives you can from anything you can, with your family try and keep them close they need you as much as you need them, its real difficult when your “manhood” is taken away… People talking down to you, its that i use to drive me on… Pisses me off first.. But it breaks you down to your true character, youll see how much you can take… The bike fires electric current into my muscles.. This hurts to start then my body gets used to it, when im done in tired and ive worked out the frustrations and anger – until it builds up again, in hospital i had a tracky in my neck and could only move my head, i had an air tube to blow in to get attention, now i transfer myself, i get out on my own, im looking into driving, i can lift my own weight out of my chair, i can swim alone, i can sit unaided, tihs all came after… Im c5/c6 with a cyst blocking my spine a titanium plate with screws, and scar tissue! Things will improve!! But you need to find something to hold onto.. I have my old snoring dog but i love him, plus the rest of my family  The boundaries of “what’s possible” Physically we think we know what can and can’t be done…… I have been faced with a problem that so many people think can not be solved.. And for a lot of people that is true.. But to this day I’m still pressing on those boundaries, things change… We all get older, we all have to die, it’s what we do today that counts.. What we do for those left when we are gone.. I “left” six times! I flat lined.. I “died” but here I am back here waiting to go again… What I want to do I still might not.. But who’s to say I can’t try Who knows what i might achieve, I’m looking to make “what could be” into “ME” No one knows! How much time you have?? Those important to you.. Time that you have together.. That kiss that cuddle, the people you love, those you hold close, take that time, stay for that extra moment – in life time is all we have.. Be it a second, a month, a year.. The times to remember often take seconds in time but as memories can last a life time…. Written down and past on can last for ever…. One thing for certain.. We all die! It’s what we do NOW that counts..  I’m stuck here waiting wasting my time… The time I have been given back.. But here I am, laying here waiting for something… Something that may never come  I still have hope.. And dreams.. Something to leave when I’m gone.. Something…. Just something???  Struggling inside myself, frustrated and unable to move, but holding onto the hope of something more in my life.  I won’t accept that this is it… This IS me! But not all that I’m going to be From Bruce Lee “Do not be tense, just be ready, not thinking but not dreaming, not being set but being flexible. It is being “wholly” and quietly alive, aware and alert, ready for whatever may come.” Age.. Time… Everything passes you by! Do you know what I did this week?? I actually watched the grass grow on the patch of dirt outside my window! (I completed 17miles on my fes bike also) I died 6 times! They resuscitated me! even stabbing adrenaline straight into my heart – I’m back, I’m just thinking I need to do more with what I am now.. One time in ICU I flatlined at the same time as the man in the next bed, I came back and he didn’t….. Would he be doing more if it had been round the other way? The spoken word! The strength in my words comes from the feeling inside me.. I know I am who I am but not all that I will be.. Walking for me would be a dream come true, and that is my end goal! But each day now I work towards my independence.. Towards all that I can do to be all that I can be I bend and press on those medical boundaries everyday, read this diary to see what can be achieved – I am going to get all that I can out of my body To be strong in mind and heart.. Everyday it would be so much easier just to give up… To sit back and just let go….. But not me! I’m not built that way… Although broken in body my spirit stays strong, i need to see where life is taking me.. Yes! Shit does happen, but the bad times only lead onto the good, over this past month with so much “autonomic dysreflexia” – through each episode I was so happy just when the pounding stopped, once the pressure inside my head stopped.. Things felt so good… The relief that it was over! Being SCI it’s something I’m never going to get away from – as my lovely matron at hospital said once “you have to… Just get used to the pain” – such a lovely caring woman!! But yes it’s so true – live through the pain and the heart ache in life! It makes those quite times in-between seen like heaven! The life we lead builds who you are! I’m Alexander Thomas Smith, and your reading “my life to date” The night is long.. The night feels longer than the day.. Laying awake with nothing to do…. Unable to DO anything! Soothed by the sound of tylers breathing.. Without him I would have “de-railed” and given in to what’s coming long ago…. Live life! Memories are worth more than anything.. Your health and independence won’t last – make use of all that you are! I “talk hard” and know I should BE more… But beating myself up over what has been… I can’t change the past… The future isn’t set, take from life all you can… You only get one Time waits for no-one The days although long… When tired and alone.. Blink and you have burnt through life, all your left with are your memories.. Make those memories now Time Time is ment to heel…… Not this time… Not me! Have I reached my peak? Is this me now? Strength and stamina.. An hour.. A day.. A month…. It’s four years now, I have pressed and pushed all boundaries.. The walls around me.. I feel like giving up every day! But the thought of being like this…… Sitting and staring at these four walls day in day out, it fires me up.. It spurs me on (a spur on a cowboys boot, that they use to slice into the horse with a kick to encourage it to move faster), I’m not giving up on medical science.. They are advancing in all areas every day, in my physio sessions I am now maintaining what I have, each session bringing me very similar results, so now down to each Tuesday on the treadmill, then in-between cycling away every day (most days) on my FES bike. Keeping things in order, I am putting things in place to construct my exo-skeleton, this would be a lot easier prior to my injury… Once I was told “you have magic hands, putting your mind to it.. You can build anything”, now my fingers are paralysed.. I am like a quadra-ped.. Although dogs at least can lick there balls!! I have to get others to create what I can visualize, this as you can imagine doesn’t go as quickly, or as efficiently as it should. So while all those scientists are working away at my cure for paralysis, I’ll maintain my health and fitness My little cyst I’m here for you always.. Closer to your head then your heart, wedged right there for you always… Burning into you like a fire in the darkest night, I’m there… When your feeling lonely.. Know that I’m there, cutting off your feeling… Oh and your motor function too! When people get to you…. When you the world is burning you down…. I am the nerve pain… I am the fire – feel your burn, the hurt deep inside you, everyday i am there, into you…. Onto you…. Nothing you can do… When your alone in the dark.. Laying still unable to move.. Know I am there, I am everything you hate.. Everything you need.. If I just left you, that’s what you desire.. If I let you go… The smallest spark lights the darkest night – fight with what you know…. But I’m always going to be there… Right there for you, work around me, try and find a way….. I’m always going to be there.. Right there inside you – breaking you down I am the burn… I am your pain! Love you Alex Your little cyst Know where to find me c5/6 "Bee all you can bee, even if you’re a wasp!" - Alex Smith Seeing is believing  “they” say that seeing is believing… What I feel in my own mind.. In my own body…. I feel through my paralysis, I know I won’t stay as I am.. My heart has stopped, not once but six times! I’ve drowned in my own fluid (secondary drowning) and had pneumonia… Spent six weeks in a coma.. While in surgery (from breaking my neck) they froze my neck bringing my core temperature down to 33 degree’s Celsius…. I’ve also cracked my head open 3 times, smashed my teeth out 6 times.. I’ve had the bone “pop” out of my wrist and broke it on another occasion, at one time my brother Elliot ran me over in our field!  when I was only two years old I climbed a fence a length of wire went in my eye!! I’m talking right in! I have a scar but I can still see! But here I am.. All I have to do is walk.. I’m sure I can manage that Me I am who I am… I am what I am… I can only put all that I am into changing to who I want to be… Who I can be, not what everyone see’s when they look at me… Look into my eyes and only then will you see who I’m going to be… But then you find out it’s too late.. Who… What.. Your looking for is gone! I’m not ment to be but here I am…. I died six times, but here I am… I’m not ment to progress, but here I am! Each day I go further, each day I get stronger… Each day I’ve been given back I do things that are medically impossible.. Count each day as your last! You don’t know when your time is up… Mine was four years ago December 14th 2006… At 14:18hrs I broke myself…… But because of my friends and my family.. Because of my strength.. Because of the advances in technology.. Because of medical science – because of my patience and belief in what can and will be… Here I am! I will walk again.. Just wait  Each day is mine! “Patience is a power all by itself" I’m not the person i once was, i AM the person that you now see, every day builds who i am, it’s 02:25hrs and i’m awake typing… i should be sleeping.. the need to do more with the life i’ve been given back grows with the hours through the night – forget the now.. bring on the future Fire i can’t move my legs… but when i think about moving them, or any other paralysed part of me.. i make it burn… it  feels like a fire all through me.. when i do it for my legs and feet (mostly my right) it “powers” up the using spinal reflex.. muscle memory… or fairy dust! i’m able to move once sometimes more.. but mostly the once.. using this “movement” i can turn myself in bed and it (sometimes) helps in transfers.. it’s called nerve pain but pain is only telling you that your still alive at times i need reminding… Today, tomorrow and further each day into the future. thinking thing’s through today.. taking time to look at what i want… at what i need…. i NEED my independance i WANT my legs and finger function.. i’m not getting anywhere sitting around thinking – i NEED to be doing something about it.. unfortunately… but at the same time thankfully… i want to give up.. but i just can’t – sitting here thinking typing…. driving me mad! un-able to move, i can’t do anything myself – i NEED someone to love to share my life with.. i WANT my “someone” (as with everyone) i wont find that someone until i can love myself first… i WONT… I CAN’T love myself like this… i NEED to have independence – i have to accept who i am – WHAT i am… but i don’t! with “who” i am – i WONT accept this… everyone has issues.. everyone has problems… most can be resolved, some can be hidden or “brushed away” mine are in your face.. there all out there – i broke my neck and along with it went my heart! i CAN’T live like this.. i WONT! this is what fuels my fire, this is what drives me on… everyone try’s to create there own life… to be free – i’m trapped in this “open prison” (that they call SCI). At present there is no cure for my injury, who knows if there ever will… people say “we’re close” “we’re knocking on the door”. i am “classed as quadriplegic” but have pushed myself holding on to the smallest thread of hope.. that one day i may be independent.. that things may improve… tomorrow i will get back on my bike, i’ll do another 18 miles, maintaining my blood circulation, bone density and muscle mass, keeping my legs in “working order” just in-case! in-case things improve with medical science.. with their research.. until then i have to.. i NEED to carry on i already have pressed those medical boundaries further and beyond what “they” say is possible.. what can be achieved.. this is what i hang onto, i am my own inspiration i keep me going… read my story, see where i’ve come from Me! If.. maybe… could there be a chance? i will find a way i will push myself to that point and beyond! i will become all i can be – with every little improvement.. with each movement or sensation that i regain, i am doing what i’ve been told “is impossible” i don’t need to “believe in what could be..” i AM the proof! i AM doing it! IT CAN BE DONE I WILL  have my independence back! Talk hard Things things things… everything takes so long! tomorrow, the next day, next week, month even next decade! life is as we make it… life is what you make! become all you can be! write that letter.. send that e-mail… make that call, your only here once – it’s better to regret what you’ve done, rather than what you could have done.. SO BE IT the thing that i hold onto is that 3yrs ago i could only move my head.. now i am pushing myself to walk – i will have my independence yes.. most days i do regret going swimming that day – but i wouldn’t be the person that i am today if i hadn’t… AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE AS I AM FOREVER! do not follow what i did….. follow WHO i am Do not DO NOT right me off just yet… The human body heals.. my body IS healing! i will BE again… not as i once was, i will be as much as i can be – i have already faced death… what i face now can’t be as bad we are all here for a reason… i haven’t found mine yet I was before, I will be again.. i will keep going until i can walk again thru science or just plain hard work.. in my mind i think it will take both to get there and i know i’m fighting against the odds but i’m still going to push all the way – i’ve got this far so… who know’s "Go home and get on with your  life, this is you now" “nothing more will come – you’ll never even roll in bed!” What a load of bollocks!! I’ve just finished yet another physio session.. standing/(assisted) walking… today i  left off my leg braces (trial and error) to see how things would go, but found out that (for now) i still need them, they help to align my body on the treadmill, keeping my legs in more of a uniform walking pattern, also they help channel my weight down through my legs, this takes my weight off the harness allowing my legs to work and letting my groin breathe and blood flow.. without the braces i walk “bow legged” (like a cowboy.. squashing my bits making me into a cowgirl), also gave a few blood pressure problems.. so next Tuesday i’ll be trying again with the braces on! NEW RECOVERY AFTER (nearly) 3 YEARS! All down my left side (since the accident) i’ve always had more sensation.. and this has steadily improved over the past 3 years to approx 77% sensation throughout my body, my right leg has had less sensation but more muscle tone (and more control in the quads).. this morning i’m getting a lot of nerve pain, and down my right side (torso) my stomach muscles ARE BACK IN MY CONTROL! – i have been told that after 18 months/2yrs things stop “recovering”… but as i said 3 YEARS! and i have new motor function back!! so as i’ve said all the way through alexwillwalkAGAIN  and BOLLOCKS TO NEGATIVE PEOPLE! I am alexwillwalkagain and i WILL walk AGAIN On Dec 14th 2006 i was injured, now im recovering.. then i will walk again Don’t look at what you could do before – it’s to late.. look at what you can do NOW, dont think about where you “could go”… just GO, dont think about what was – your facing what IS.. Believe in yourself your the only one who truely CAN Time never stands still…. Tick Tock! Pain never leaves.. you just get used to it i have and continue to improve beyond all expectations i’m still Alexander Thomas Smith.. i’m still Alive.. my blood’s still red, my blood’s still pumping i’m still a soon to be 30 red blooded male… Time changes people you can’t change that.. i can’t move, but i’m still the same on the inside  Every day we face choices.. some hard some easy , some wrong some right.. but once they are made you have then got to follow that route, right or wrong – “even weather or not to go swimming” – seems a small choice… but!?! tomorrow there will then be more choices, life goes on – give up.. or deal with the hand that has been delt – your choice…. Take a step back sometimes.. (in my case, roll back) and just BREATHE – take a deep breath when things get to you.. i used to smoke a good 20-40 per day, (another result of my accident – my diaphragm is paralysed, i’ve had trouble breathing.. while in hospital my whole respiratory system gave up) now i’m free from tobacco.. just a deep breath feel’s so good – somethings in life are free (sexy time is free to… until the piter pater of those tiny feet), life is fragile, life is short, life is harsh, life wont make sense, life needs pain and when things happen in life.. you have to accept what hand your delt… you need to adapt to the twists and turn’s.. you have to stand up and face your problems – they don’t go away.. unless you deal with them, (one thing though… once you’ve delt with your problem from today – tomorrow will only bring more) – life is full of pain and hurt but to look past that.. to be strong enough to live through this will bring the good times.. the love that you may have lost and the hurt that you’ve felt is nothing to what can be.. to what could be… you have to live life like you’ve never been hurt… live for today.. plan for tomorrow… but while your waiting for things to happen, thats when your life happens.. live for yourself, don’t let life pass you by. I’m not living the life i had… i’m living the life i have ME…… I don’t want to live on Facebook any more… i want to live the life i had, the life that i was building, the plans that i was making.. The life i had has lead me to here.. this is my life now.. i’m fed up waiting for things to happen… i need to make things happen.. life doesn’t stay still, time keeps ticking.. physio builds me up, it pushes me down.. i need to press on.. to push forward or to give up… there is no choice, i wont give up.. at this moment i can’t move.. very soon i will – people say “you will not walk” they don’t know me.. who i am.. what i can and can’t do… somethings i still don’t know about myself.. but who truley does…. do you know yourself? ask yourself, and try and find the answer! only you know your own body – but never your full potential you never will unless you try.. take that step… only you – your choice.. do or die (i didn’t die…) Night time thoughts… It’s 03:03 hrs…. Sometimes as hard as you try.. or.. the harder you try to sleep the harder it gets! People think, worry and fear things… anything from being late in the morning for work.. or about the way they look.. to the big spider that could be there in the dark.. maybe someone outside trying to take whats not theirs.. down to the old wiring setting the place on fire… I’m laying (was… i’m typing this now) here with so many things going through my head… the main one (apart from not being asleep!!) is how i’m on fire (nerve pain) because my drugs are wearing off (the 22:00 hrs dose) and i feel twisted in bed, i’ve delt with this since Jan 2006 when i woke from my coma my consultant told me “you will never even roll in bed” (one of the many knock backs i’ve had) i do still feel slightly twisted.. but thats probably got something to do with the 27kg “baby tyler” in my bed (he’s sleeping so i wont wake him) but i do sleep on my side (my good side… they are both good!?!… my left side..) i have not only got back up right to type this.. but the baby is still sleeping! SO BOLLOCKS to those who think i wont – i will walk! every little goal needs to be seen along the way.. it all helps to drive me forward – it takes sooooo long tho – the strength i feel today is what i will use tomorrow to drive forward, faster, further each day I stand using parallel bars and leg braces, also still using the standing chair to test my autonomic system, i can now work on the mats.. doing alot on the floor… any way! READ THE SITE TO FOLLOW MY PHYSIO, MY PROGRESS – UNTIL I WALK… i’m not worrying about the spiders, the burglars or being late anywhere… I can’t stand not being able to do the things i want.. need or like.. I can’t breath some nights because my nasal cavities block up and my lungs aren’t strong enough (YET) to clear them.. sometimes… i can’t pick the simplest thing up… my brother Ross is about to be a dad, i wont trust myself to hold baby Lexi… i can’t…  soon i will, i’ll soon be fully ABLE NOBODY KNOWS… i do think about fire now alot more.. “how do i get out if there is one!!” – i’m hoping at the moment Tyler would carry me out.. We are in the process of building a house/gym for my independence and rehab. This is never where i saw myself.. at the point of my accident i was looking into buying a 4 bedroom cave house in Spain…! life never turns out the way you want it to… Everyone has their worries… I died… my heart and lungs collapsed at the same time…they brought me back, i cant give up.. i wont give up (i died a few times.. read my sisters diary, its chapter 4.. “inside a coma”) TIME IS WHAT WE ALL HAVE.. MAKE THE MOST OF YOURS In my life, i’ve been knocked down, knocked back, held up.. (once even at gun point!) i’ve broke  my wrist, cracked my head open twice, had my teeth re-built 6 times and broke my neck.. l’ve had money, lost money (a lot of times had no money) i was earning money (things were looking good…) then took a turn for the worse.. life can be really shit! but it just makes the good times feel better.. and the good thing about the human mind… it tends to (mainly) remember the good times. I’ve got back up before i can again My life was saved, i can not waste a second chance.. i can’t have the life i had.. but i can live the life i have now! – my bodies broken but the body heals! My body is broken but my mind is not.. the body heal’s and the mind gets stronger Without these life experience’s… the pain and heart ache.. you would not be the person you are today! be all you can be, you only get one life – live it your way.. things will trip you up… its how you deal with the trouble’s that you face that makes you… lay down and take it.. or face things head on! your choice! When life pushes you down, push back! That’s what you’re here for. You’re capable, you’re creative, you’re full of life and energy. You have what it takes to move yourself forward around any obstacle. Don’t let anything stop you. Take strength from meeting the challenges, and move ahead. The struggles you face are just what you need to fulfill your potential for greatness. A year from now, when you look back at today, you’ll see that the problem you’re concerned with right now, was another valuable lesson waiting to be learned. Through the night.. when your alone… quiet times through the day, this is when your mind starts ticking.. when the thoughts are flowing – you try and stay active… sometimes the best time is when your asleep, but your dreams good or bad will find you there… dream of walking.. dream of flying… but to dream of escaping is all that you can do… to dream of your dream – everyone has one – will bring you home.. will not fix your problems but will comfort your worries and push you forward – to continue on the path you have chosen.. to keep going each day…. waiting waiting waiting for things to happen – dream of tomorrow but live for today. Things will happen.. maybe not the way you want them to.. each day i wake up – i TRY –  to get up… (i can’t) but the thing is soon i will. What if life doesn’t go the way you want it to? To be honest.. it never will, make the most of what you have.. One thing that i have done in my younger years.. i found myself (june 24th a day before my birthday) in the middle of a storm, the rain felt like nails all over me the wind was so strong that the corn fields were flat.. and Andrew Butcher and i found ourselves running through a field with trees falling behind us and lightning striking the ground around us – we ran as fast as our little legs would carry us!  now i get pushed from room to room… i will be back!! – STAND UP! OR LAY DOWN AND TAKE IT – your choice All we have is time… one chance.. live the life you have, don’t waste it.. your choice… the choices you make All we have is time… one chance.. live the life you have, don’t waste it.. your choice… the choices you make today, you will be living tomorrow.. yesterdays choices today… think them through but don’t take to long.. all we have is time… each day i try to walk, it’s not wasted.. it’s just one step closer to my first step – my choice The world won’t stop turning.. the clocks don’t stop ticking for anyone.. Some things in life… (i do think) happen for a reason.. i still haven’t worked out why this has happened yet.. but theres still time.. DEC 14th i was injured, now i am recovering, then i will walk again! Bad things happen… you can’t change that.. but don’t be scared to live your life.. make mistakes – and its best not to regret anything (just try and look after your neck…)  I have had my front teeth re-built 6 times.. I’ve cracked my head open twice.. broken my wrist and my neck! i am saying this because the human body heal’s – (i was fearless (kind of) before.. now i find myself scared of transferring from bed to chair..) but a positive attitude does help ! Life is hard… You are born into this world screaming… and the fact is.. nothing really changes! babies, children, boy, girl – men, women we are all the same under the skin… what separates us is the varied ability to grow, learn and adapt to different situations and feelings.. 20% mum 20% dad 60% a blank tape to be recorded.. when things happen (they always do), that is when your true colours show.. how you deal with your problem, the choice you’ve made.. mainly how you’ve calmed that screaming baby that is yourself! you will get kicked down and knocked back, but how you pick yourself back up again, that will show your true character, how strong you’ve become.. there is only a set amount you can be told.. the rest is up to you… open your heart.. try new things.. you may get hurt… but if you don’t you  will never know – my one piece of advice is – Take out some life insurance ; ) After all it’s your life  you only get one.. do with it what you will – you never know things might work out in the end… PAIN…. its temporary you can work through it! it hurts but can be done..  The human body is versatile you can push through! my body was broken.. but it can be rebuilt, each day the aches get shorter and i can go for longer… coming off the drugs my body burns.. it’s “the nerves talking..” it doesn’t get easier – not yet anyway… focus on whats ahead, not on the past – that has been! Bring on the future – who knows what will be… find your paradise – i have mine… The life i had before wasn’t the best life… but it was my life…. sometimes life takes you down a path, it makes you wonder why..?? what have i done….?? but if life wasn’t hard.. you wouldn’t appreciate the good things.. to be free and able to go where you want.. you have to fight for what you want.. work for what you need, bad things happen to good people.. things happen for a reason.. separating the weak from the strong.. the strong carry on.. this is my life now… forget the bad times, bring on the good ones. Every day we face choices.. some hard some easy , some wrong some right.. but once they are made you have then got to follow that route, right or wrong – “even weather or not to go swimming” – seems a small choice… but!?! tomorrow there will then be more choices, life goes on – give up.. or deal with the hand that has been delt – your choice…. Forget what has happened in the past that can not be changed… work on what you have today – it can alway’s be built on and improved… who knows what the future holds!  Through everything, through my written word you will finally start to see me